Vastly Suboptimal

It’s three years from the year 2100 and every human being on Earth has been implanted with a cutting edge computer “chimp chip” called the Computer Hyper Imitation Motorization Processor (Utopian Skeet) which prevents all crime and acrimony and encourages you to pay your taxes.  Basically, everyone was Chimp Chipped because laws were just not working any more.  That is when everyone lost at least ten percent of their self-awareness and becomes law abiding, tax paying, patriotic citizens.  The candidates brains were were adapted by a process called humanization seep.  The Chimp model was utilized because dolphins were considered too smart and dogs too stupid.  It was called the monkey in the middle theory.  It was amazing how fast the entire planet bought into it.

For research purposes, the Chimp Chip also records all human activity, via all five senses, into a gigantic database monitored by the government and enforced by a merry band of volunteers who are the only beings on Earth allowed firearms.  About all they did nowadays was hunt down mis-firing Chimpers.  The computers pretty much did all the researching.  They just cruised around in cool, black tactical gear in cool, black tactical vehicles with antennas and machine gun pods and rock hard armor.  Don’t get too attached to them because their story basically ends here.  They were assisted in one way or another by the following acronymical entities”

DOA: Department Of Air (Sub section of Air Pollutions Experts Squad)

SHIT: the Select Higher Intelligence Team

FART:                   Full Air Reconnaissance Trackers

DIC:   Department of Investigation Chimps

FUC:  Foreign Ultra Chimps

ASS:  Anterior Space Squad

GSW: Gun Shot Wounds

I know it sounds strange, but you have to remember one thing.  This all happened well after Trump was president.  But, I digress.

The one flaw the developers of the Chimp Chip overlooked was the fact that the monkey in the Chimp Chip would eventually overtake the remaining human brain synapses.  In effect, the ape would become the man.  Or maybe I got that backwards but you get my drift.  I say it was overlooked because it was.  The developers sold this to the government as a way to control all humans and not just the stupid gun toting ones.  Smart people, according to science, are much more difficult to control because they think what they think actually matters.  Either way, the Chimp Chip solved both problems eventually.  Everything was going along just fine indeedy and the government was happy and the company making the Chimp Chips was happy and a lot of people were richer and almost everyone thought life was getting better.  I mean this went on for years and years.  It was all documented by the non-Chimpers who were mostly quarantined or isolated from Chimped humans.  They used close circuit TV cameras mostly, but they also ran tests through the various school levels and systems, and collected data from the TV reflectors installed in every video device sold on the world market.  They had all this data and all these programs to translate the data, can it and store it for the posterity.  After twenty years the following are the pearls of wisdom gleaned from all the gathered data and observations:

  1. Humans were either getting smarter if they were stupid, or stupider if they were smarter. The race seemed to be approaching the mean.
  2. There was a definite reduction in artistic work in all realms. The most popular music favored strong percussive songs, preferable with bongo drums and bird whistles.
  3. Even the artificial meats were decreasing in popularity, which was offset by a rise in the sales of fruit and some of the sweeter vegetables.
  4. Alcohol sales, and the subsequent illegal alcohol markets, had been gaining steam throughout the Chimp Chip deployment. Such was also the case for Cannabis based products and some stuff that was like Crack but you chewed it like gum instead of smoking it.
  5. Sex crimes were going through the roof! The difference was the victims were shared equally by females and males.  However, just like in the past few victims ever showed up to court.
  6. Inventions, cures, breakthroughs, exploration and pioneering spirit had given way to introspection, humiliation, degradation, apathy, passivity and satire. The Good Enough movement took off.
  7. The birth rate was sky rocketing, no other way to say it.

So, into this room walks the three smartest non-Chimpers in the world and their task is to figure out what the Hell is going on and determine whether or not it is good or bad and what to do after that.   They sat around a circular table made of Opaque Aluminum that had magical computer powers where you could wave screens on and off and whatever.  It was a cool table.   They sat in anti-magnetic ergological chairs made from apple trees in Dexter, Michigan.  The room was dark and cool, a single light source hanging two meters off the face of the magic table.  It was an infinity room that was supposed to make you think better.

The first guy was actually a girl, and probably the smartest of the group but she had this thing about her pointy, crooked chin.  Dr. Lockhart would stroke that pointy-ass chin like she had a Fu Manchu down there.  He boney little face was framed with a head of blood red hair which looked like it had been cut with Ginzu knives.  She wore a ring on the index finger of that boney ass hand that stroked that boney ass chin.   The ring was made from the pubic hair of a Bengal tiger.  She claimed it a present from her husband who had in fact been eaten by a Bengal tiger.  Her specialty was Biology and Anthropology.  Anyway, Dr. Lockhart lit up a cigarette and frowned, “What kind of idiot would let someone put a monkey chip into their brain in the first place?”  It was a rhetorical question, but she just couldn’t resist answering anyway.  “A moron idiot, that’s who!” she declared.  “Look, we finally got the guns away from them so we should be darn happy with that.   Who thought we’d ever pull that one off without a bloody civil war?”

“Precisely,” began Professor Canduo.  “But we must be careful now.  We still rely on those idiot morons to provide many of the goods and services we need to live.”  Professor Canduo was a physics and mathematical genius.  He was going bald, of course, and because of his dignity or integrity never took the drug that would grow his hair back.  He chose to remain five foot seven inches tall, weighing about a buck seventy with vision only a click better than a hamster’s.   “Statistically speaking, the chances are fifty-fifty the problem could get better or worse.  It is vastly suboptimal.”  Professsor Canduo paused for effect and stared off into the infinity room’s non-ceiling as if something were actually there.  “So, in conclusion we must do something even if it is to just agree not to act.  Once we have done this, I will be able to cipher the odds that we succeed or fail.”

The third person in the room was a girl, female, woman.  She was the representative from Chimp Chips and she looked like some classical artist had formed her in some kind of vacuum chamber.  She was perfect in every way.  Perfect teeth, perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect butt, perfect cans, perfect blue eyes and so on and so forth.  I would lay ten miles of telephone wire just to hear her fart.  But, she was also very, very intelligent and about as abrasive as a chain saw on a cuckoo clock.  She started out by saying, “We predicted all these observations and data in our original prospectus that was issued and certified to every member of the planning and implementation team in years one and two.  In fact, I have here in my files signed copies from Dr. Lockhart and Professor Canduo.”

Okay, so that conversation got boring much too quickly so the writer had to switch to yet another plot line.  It was a beautiful summer afternoon on Belle Isle near Detroit and two Chimp Chipped middle aged males were discussing current events while drinking beer and ignoring their kids who swang on the jungle gym like sparrows on an oak tree.  Mr. Smith shook his head and lamented, “Them Lions are never going to win a Super Neutrino Bowl.”

Mr. Jones did not concur.  He said, “I don’t know.  They’re due.”  The Lions had not won a championship of any kind since 1957.  “That quarterback is getting smarter by the season.”

“Nah, he’s getting stupider.  Remember last season when the camera picked up the fish in his helmet?  Not the smartest thing he ever did,” retorted Mr. Smith.

“Just the same I like their chances.”  Mr. Jones was a die hard.

Now, it wouldn’t seem as if this plot line could move the story along, but it actually does.  Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones were two of the lucky candidates to win a Bahamian Cruise for a contest neither could remember entering.  They were told they could bring their wives, but not their kids.  Two tickets, and two tickets only.  Finding domestic help was so easy any more it took only seconds before baby sitters were secured and the wives were free to pack.  The men tried to pack, but were so bad at it the wives took over.  Some things never change.  They were off the very next day and everyone was excited.

Mr. Jones:  I’m excited!

Mrs. Jones:  So am I.

Mrs. Smith:  Same for me.

Mr. Smith:  Me too.

The cruise ship was brand spanking new and had all the accoutrements and features one would expect from a premium entertainment conveyance.  You could gamble, drink, smoke, coke, soak, choke and go broke if you didn’t watch yourself.  The robot waiters required no tips and the overhead chefs dropped your meal on your plate almost the second you ordered.  Mrs. Jones got into a fist fight with some other passenger on the Lido Deck and after more than a few banana daiquiris.  She threw the woman overboard and no one saw a thing so the cruise continued on unabated.   Mr. Smith told his wife to stick close to him at all times.  Mrs. Jones made him nervous now.

So they all went to their cabins that evening a little tipsy and perhaps a bit too complacent.  When they awoke the next morning they found themselves lying on operating tables in the middle of a very large surgical theatre manned by robots.  So, it was un-manned basically, just the robots.  But the robots were being operated by real human beings who had not been Chimp Chipped so they had that going for them.  All four had tight restraints across every part of their body save their brain part.   They did have a soft, cherry flavored gag in their mouths though which made answering questions exceedingly hard.  The first question came from the loud speaker in the ceiling of the room.

“Don’t be afraid,” it exhorted.  “Are you comfortable?” it asked.
All four mumbled as best they could that in fact they were comfortable, very comfortable.   They felt like they were riding on a cloud of warm air and their restraints actually vibrated and massaged.   There was soft mood music whispering in the background.  They barely required the synthetic narcotic coursing through their veins.  They were good.

“First we are going to turn off your memory.  It is better if you don’t actually remember this procedure.  Okay?”

This elicited more contented mumbling.  They were good with that, too.

I have no idea what happened after that but everyone woke up back in their cabins no worse for wear and remembering three days of sun and fun that didn’t really happen.  So they didn’t know so they didn’t care.  Mrs. Jones confided to Mrs. Smith that she felt more than a little pregnant.  Mrs. Smith immediately told Mr. Smith who kept it to himself.  She wasn’t.  The alternate reality brain software had just hiccupped.  The memory of a multiple orgasm just didn’t want to let go it seems.  Anyway, long story short the Smiths are glad to be away from the Jones and everyone goes home none the wiser.  One thousand operations had been conducted by robots on that cruise ship in less than a week.  They only lost three candidates who would probably have died anyway.  One they could just not find.  Everyone could live with those odds.  Now all they had to do was wait for the standard amount of time to elapse so statistically robust conclusions could be identified and evaluated.  Yeah, it’s Dr. Lockhart, Professor Canduo and the broad from Chimp Chips with the perfect everything.  Don’t worry, I’ll spare you the details of their elongated conversation which while highly relevant to the story lone just generally sucks eggs.  Quite clearly the human race, the Chimp Chipped humans at least, were becoming more chimp like and less human like.  The Good Enough Movement had radicalized and was now a force to be reckoned with.  They promoted the ten hour work week and mandatory Caribbean vacations.  Many Chimp Chippers had just become too lazy to do any work at all, or they would just show up and rob the place blind.  The only thing saving mankind’s collective as were the robots who were now in great supply and fully capable of doing any sort of work the Chimp Chippers blew off.  So, wide spread panic was averted for the time being and everyone decided to wait another twenty years.  You know, the people without the Chimp Chip in their brains.

Well, I am here to tell you now things did not get all better for all the people of the world.  It got much, much worse in fact.   Somehow the Chimp Chippers managed to inadvertently contaminate with some kind of mutant virus the very robots who were by now serving everyone and doing exactly all the work in the world.  It only took twenty years before the freaking robots were goofing off at every opportunity.  Some were even commandeering space ships and blowing the solar system like gerbils from a litter box.  Practically nothing was getting done.  The only working robots were the stupid robots and common sport was to abuse such robots incessantly while they performed lowly tasks like cleaning toilets and trapping skunks.  So now the non-chimpers have a real dilemma on their hands.  They are lazy and that trickle down stuff was more like an avalanche when push comes to shove.  The entire known universe, except for China that is—those guys are just sick, has pretty much lowered the generally accepted standard of living at least by a magnitude of eleven.

So of course the idea was to produce a less intelligent robot and this was done in the millions and within twenty years the universe had more or less balanced itself out and there was twenty years of peace and prosperity.  And then someone figured out stupid robots are much easier to control than smart robots.  This got out of hand quickly.  So of course smarter robots were produced in the millions and soon the stupid robot problem was resolved in favor of a smarter robot problem—where we are back at robots not wanting to work very hard again.  There just seemed to be no happy medium!

I don’t know what happened next.  Probably some stuff, but later on some other stuff happened which I do know about.  Synthetic chips.  Yes, computer chips that you actually could eat much like potato or corn chips.  They were tasty.  They were salty.  They were inexpensive to produce and cheap to distribute.  You could eat a bag of chips and learn French.  You could eat a bag of chips and instantly know how to perform brain surgery on yourself.  You could dip a chip in Applied Physics sauce and build a rocket ship.  Finally the non-chimpers had a solution to the laziness problem!  All they had to do is feed these chips to the masses and then stand by for a wave of energy and accomplishment never before known to whatever species they had become after all this genetic and electrical modification.  And that is exactly what began happening and happened for a couple months and then slowly tailed off.  Apparently the chimp chippers were now so stuffed with synthetic chips they could barely get off the couch.   Sales of adult diapers went through the roof just as did sales of chips.  Back to square one!

This story has to come to an end.  It cannot simply cycle and recycle itself into perpetuity!  In the end it came down to an age old adage tried and true throughout history.  The remaining non-chimp chippers finally broke down and chimped up, every last one of them.  If you can’t beat them, join them was the natural evolution of the Good Enough Movement and even though it wasn’t planned it happened nonetheless, and that was good enough.