The Five People I Would Kill In Heaven

 

In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.

– Theodore Roosevelt

Whenever I get to Heaven, they probably won’t let me stay there long because there are several people there who I don’t think belong and I am going to do something about it.  The first one would be Gandhi, who I believe is the cause of great suffering and tormentation.  The way I see it, if he would have just organized all them people to fight instead of just get beat up and killed all the time, there would have been much less suffering.  I mean, he had them Brits at a rate of 100 to 1, but instead of charging in and wiping them out, he danced around and starved himself and made it even easier for them Brits to abuse people. Everyone knows the only thing that brings peace is war, so you might as well have one and get it over with as soon as possible.  It’s the most humane thing to do.

Secondly, I would kill Abraham Lincoln.  He started a war to end something that the industrial age was already ending.  Since machines were replacing slaves anyway, he’d been better off if he offered to retrain them slaves to run them machines that was taking all their jobs in the first place.  Instead, he starts this big old war and gets millions of people slaughtered and damn near wrecks the whole country and for what?  Civil Rights were coming anyway if he would have just waited for a few years.  Then maybe that guy wouldn’t have had to blow his brains out at that theatre place, and Grant would never have been president.

Thirdly, I would kill that pilot guy who decided to kill Jesus.  Look at all the problems that has caused!  If Jesus stayed alive then all of us would know who the only true savior and lord is, and we wouldn’t have no Muslins running around blowing shit up all the time. How was this guy even a pilot?  They didn’t have airplanes back then.  If you ask me, this whole story is messed up from the get go.  I mean, how can there be more than one God?  If there were more than one God then sooner or later they would get to fighting and the universe would get destroyed.  You just have to sit and think about it for a minute and you would realize the problem.

And the fourth person I would kill in Heaven is Christopher Columbus.  There is so much wrong with this guy’s story that I don’t even know where to begin.  First off all, he never got to where he was trying to go, and named a whole race of people by the wrong name, and actually landed on an island that wasn’t even America, first.  That’s just stupid, and instead of being made a fool of, he’s a damned hero!  And, he worked for Spain of all places!  So, why didn’t he call America, New Spain, or something?  It just don’t make any sense.

Lastly, I would kill Henry Ford for inventing the assembly line.  Everybody thinks it’s such a great deal, but have you ever worked on an assembly line?  It sucks.  That kind of stuff drives men mad after a while.  Now everything is made on an assembly line and even more people are being driven nuts.  Basically, Henry Ford is responsible for turning the entire work force into some kind of stupid one-trick pony. Furthermore, now we can make bad things just as fast and plentiful as we make good things, only it’s harder to tell the difference.  And, the assembly line is responsible for global warming.

So, those are the five people I will kill when I get to Heaven, and that is why I would kill them.