Katy The Zombie Killer


When Katy married him, Jerry was an okay guy.  He owned a concrete pouring business and made very good money.   Jerry provided Katy with everything she ever wanted in life, except children because his sperms could not swim fast enough or whatnot.  They would have adopted but Katy’s sister tried that first and ended up with a psycho-maniac kid and no one would take him back.  Fuck that, thought Katy.  She got herself some dogs instead.  Seven of them to be exact, and they were all Rottweiler’s, and Katy trained them well.  She had a knack for this it seems.

When Obama got elected Jerry went absolutely nuts.  Jerry figured the world was coming to an end and he better prepare for it quick, fast and in a hurry.  Jerry hated black people, and every other people who didn’t look like him or Katy.  And Jews.  Jerry learned this hate from his daddy who learned it from his daddy and so on and so forth.  So it was only natural that Jerry builds himself a concrete and steel survival fortress in his backyard—which was huge and well out in the woods.  He dug a tunnel to it from the basement of his house.  Ten thousand gallons of diesel fuel resided in a tank but a few yards away, and the exhaust from the diesel generator motor was piped out the top of a tree about a hundred yards away.  Ten thousand gallons of water were stored in a reinforced tank below the structure.  Solar panels and windmills contributed power, and food was stored in a buried stainless steel shipping container adjacent to the submerged concrete kitchen.  It had everything you could think of including an arsenal any self-respecting Cyborg would drool over—including explosives.

Katy thought Jerry was crazy, but they had money to burn and she had never seen him happier.  As promised, he’d made room for her dogs and after that she didn’t have a dog in that fight, so to speak.  She spent most of her time walking those dogs, or playing Canasta with the Peruvian maid, Chili.  The house was always a mess because Katy felt guilty about making someone else clean her house.   Jerry didn’t care. He had his man-cave and was content to go down there and get drunk and scream at the 105 inch TV on the wall.  That would get the dogs to barking every time.  Katy loved that.

Jerry walked through the backdoor one afternoon, scooped Katy up in his massive arms and carried her off to the survival fortress, but first he told her to close her eyes.  When he told her to open her eyes she found herself in what could probably best be described as a redneck elevator.  It had antlers and firearms and a cooler, and two buttons.  Once was for up.  The other was for down.  Jerry told Katy to push the up button, and she did.  A few seconds later the elevator stopped and a small door slid open and she had a clean view of the approach to the survival fortress.  She was truly surprised at the degree of ingenuity on the part of her husband and smiled and gave him a big hug.  Then Jerry says, “Do you wanna see it rotate 360 degrees?”  But of course.

Here’s what happened.  The Chinese loaded Zombie Juice into a bunch of commercial jet planes and sent them to every major city in the world.  Supposedly, the plane would explode above the city and the Zombie Juice would spray all over Holy Hell and there you have it, the Zombie Apocalypse.  The plan worked almost perfectly.  For one, the test Zombies never figured out how to navigate the Great Wall, and secondly Head-Shot technology had been a priority in their research and development labs for a decade.  They had run literally billions of computer generated simulations and gotten basically the same result.  The only problem was, some idiot mechanic left an inspection plate loose near the air intake on the jet bound for San Francisco.  It exploded over Beijing.  No one had planned for this.

Jerry was at the bowling alley when the shit hit the fan.  He was partially drunk when the TV screens all lit up with Civil Defense announcements.  Jerry did what any self-respecting redneck would do.  He ran to his truck, checked his firearms, and headed home.  He never made it.  Jerry died in a fire fight at Hemlock and Main with several other rednecks and dozens of Zombies.  It was a furious battle that included a couple RPG rounds, a grenade and a case of moonshine Molotov’s.  Some brave idiot recorded the whole thing with his cell phone from a nearby tree.  Every major news station in the world picked it up, but the cell phone dude never made it out of that tree.

Surprisingly enough, at least the US government was prepared for this kind of thing.  They acted swiftly and contained for the most part the infected areas.  Well, it was that and the fact that nearly everyone in America owns a gun and ammo.  Citizen brigades did quite a bit of Zombie damage, too.  Michigan was easy to cut off.  They put ten-thousand, armed militia at the border and told them to shoot everything that moved in the head repeatedly, and that is exactly what they did.  It was real turkey shoot

Katy and Chili and the seven Rottweiler are all made it safely to the survival fortress.  Katy even watched the battle on her cell phone web browser, and it was a good thing Chili was there to comfort her.  Katy cried for a few hours and then, still sobbing, entered the redneck elevator and rose to the top.  She grabbed Jerry’s favorite deer rifle, the one with the big scope, and checked the clip.  The first thing she shot was the neighbor’s cat.  She hated that cat.  After that, it was all about the Zombies.  They were everywhere, and she shot each one in the head once.  Three hundred rounds later she hit the down button and joined Chili for some tea and a few hours of recorded Oprah shows.  Even the dogs loved Oprah.

Why Jerry had installed a doorbell to the survival fortress Katy could never figure out.  The first rule was never to let anyone in.  It just didn’t make any sense at all.  But there it was.  In the beginning it would ring constantly because Jerry had a big mouth, too, so everyone knew about his survival fortress.  The God damned thing couldn’t be disconnected either.  Katy would send one of the dogs out through the doggy hatch to chase them off, but then some idiot took a shot at Manfred and that shit came to a screeching halt.  She gut-shot that fool and left him where he fell.  Hidden gun ports allowed for this from practically any angle.  Katy fired a Dessert Eagle through those.   It took a while, but this eventually remediated the doorbell problem, as well.

Fourteen states had been declared dead zones and were sealed with gun fire and air attacks.  No one came in and no one came out at least until a cure could be found.  The Chinese, who had been fingered for this fiasco, were playing Hell themselves fighting off the Zombies and claimed they didn’t have a cure.  All that modern, high-speed transportation they had invested in doomed them from the start.  They just quit answering their phone.

Zombie bodies do not decompose.  You can’t burn them because the Zombie smoke is contagious.  You can’t bury them because of the water table contamination it would bring.  You definitely can’t eat them, or feed them to livestock, or even fish.  But the human beings learned all of this the hard way and that is why this story doesn’t end so fast.

Katy and Chili ate like pigs and one day Katy realized they both were beginning to look like pigs, too.  She made up her mind they would get in shape and Chili agreed.  A month later they were both slim and trim, and Chili could shoot almost as well as Katy.  They decided to go on a Safari to celebrate.  This was the craziest thing for them to do, but life inside the survival fortress was starting to drag.  They needed some entertainment.

Now a large dump truck will run through practically anything, so Katy took that.  Jerry had four of them, but this one had a full tank of gas.  They brought along a pair of AK-47’s and thirty, thirty round clips, the Dessert Eagle, the assault shotgun, and a brick of C4—which was illegal to possess.  Katy wore her Daisy Duke shorts.  She was really feeling it as they bounced into town mowing over Zombies and shooting out store windows along the way.  Chili made Katy stop at the grocery store so she could pick up some more hot sauce.  Then they went to every jewelry store in town and robbed them blind. That was what the C4 was for.  The gun store was pretty much picked clean, but not the liquor store, which Katy thought strange.  They were on their way back to the ranch with a full load when suddenly they ran into an armored personnel carrier from the Army or something.  Katy knew she could just dump the clutch and run right the fuck over that measly piece of tin, but the gunner on the roof mounted machine gun turret looked on the ready.  So, she did the next best thing.  She flashed her titties, and so did Chili.

It worked.  The guy in the machine gun turret relaxed and actually let go of his machine gun.  Katy was already in creeper gear; all she had to do was press the gas and dump the clutch, which she did.  She did not climb over that armored personnel carrier though; instead she pushed it for fifty or so yards and rammed it into a big old oak tree.  Calmly, Katy backed up, turned and drove away.  Then she blasted the air horns.  She loved doing that.

The drone caught the whole thing and had relayed it back to a secure bunker in Colorado where many generals puzzled over it for hours.  They all agreed, those were some spectacular titties.  They followed the dump truck all the way back to the survival fortress and then ordered the drone to loiter.  They even had it fly low so as to be noticed by the two ladies in hopes of another flashing.  Sure enough, another flashing they got and the decision was made that those two ladies simply had to be saved—and at all costs.

Of course, Katy and Chili had no idea of this rescue.  Neither could figure out how to operate the complicated array of communication devices Jerry had installed in the survival fortress.  Since the cell phones and the TV stopped working they were basically clueless.  Hence, as long as they had bullets, they were going to shoot any intruders.  Maybe ask some questions later.  So, the first rescue team got cut down by makeshift claymores and assault rifle fire, and then torn apart by Zombies, and then shot again.  The drone watched all this happen.  Obviously a new plan was needed.

The next day Katy and Chili took off on another dump truck adventure.  They got to the video store without incident, loaded up everything in the store and then headed over to the marijuana dispensary.  Katy had never smoked that stuff before, but Chili convinced her, what the Hell.   They had to use a crow bar to pry open the safe, and that took a while, but they made it out of there okay, too.  The drone watched it all and the generals were stuck to the screen like poop on a golf shoe.  Once again, they brought the drone in low and hard, and once again they were rewarded with flashing titties, and then gun fire.  The girls were shooting at the drone!

That is when Action Team Alpha One Black Ops was brought in.  These were the most highly trained and experienced operators in the world, and they had a perfect operational record.  The generals ordered the drone to drop leaflets around the survival fortress before the second attempted rescue. Those leaflets said:

“We are coming to save you.  Do NOT shoot!  A team is parachuting in at midnight and at dawn a helicopter will arrive to take you out.  Do NOT shoot!”

The only problem was Katy and Chili didn’t want to be saved.  They figured any place else was probably worse than where they were presently, so why take a chance?  In all actuality, they were really only lacking one thing, and Katy knew just what to do.  “I seen this on Burn Notice”, she told Chili.  “It works every time!”

The six members of Action Team Alpha One Black Ops HALO jumped from fifty thousand feet and released their chutes just above the tree line.  It was a moonless, cloudy night but with their night vision goggles they could see clearly and for a good distance.  Zombie tactics required them to stay close together to form a strong defensive ring of firepower—everyone responsible for an area.  They moved like a shadow and were at the survival fortress doors and like Katy they couldn’t believe there was an actual doorbell.  The leader pushed it twice.  It would be the last thing him or any other member of his team would remember for a few hours.  Of course, the drone caught it all.

Four flash/bang grenades went off simultaneously after being dropped from ports by Katy and Chili.  These blinded and stunned the team or operators.  The knock-out gas was then employed.  Katy did not know what was in that stuff.  Jerry had cooked it up himself.  It did seem to work.  In no time the team was on the ground puking and coughing and not at all in control of their extremities.  The survival fortress door opened, and out came Katy and Chili and one by one they captured the team members and drug them inside.  It took all of about three minutes.  The generals were stunned to say the least.  They had no idea of what to do next.

It took a while but the team members gradually overcame their induced malaise.   They awoke to find their arms and legs secured with plastic-cuffs, and two lovely ladies dabbing their faces with cool, damp cotton balls.  They smelled of lilacs and wore ruby red lipstick.  When they were all awake and relatively cognizant, Katy gave the following speech.

“You have two choices.  One, you can leave and go back to where you came from and we won’t kill you.  Two, you can stay and we can party like it’s the nineties.  The only thing is, only three of you can stay.  The other three have to go.  I decide one who stays, Chili decides another who stays, and you decide another who stays—preferably someone who can cook and clean.  You have ten minutes to decide, starting NOW!”

“Will we get our weapons back?” asked one of the team.

“He can’t stay,” declared Chili.

“Yes,” answered Katy.  “And your radios. Five minutes.”

“Hey! It hasn’t been five minutes yet!” complained the guy with red hair.

“He can’t stay,” declared Chili.

“Sixty seconds,” announced Katy.

“I will fucking clean toilets and do foot rubs!  Shit, I’ll even watch Oprah!” pleaded the guy with the square jaw and big shoulders.

“Sold!” declared Chile with a pump of her fist.

“I got a big dick!” proclaimed the guy still bleeding from his nose.

“Prove it!” demanded Katy, unsheathing her Bowie knife.

Everybody lost it about then and there.  That shit was just too funny.  The girls started feeding the boys whiskey and Slim Jims, keeping them restrained the whole time, and occasionally flashing their titties.  A good time was had by all.

Meanwhile the generals were having shit fits trying to launch a third rescue team.  One general wanted to drone bomb the place and kill it with fire. “It’s the only way to be sure!” he proclaimed.  No one else would go along with this.  And it was a good thing, too.  In the morning drone pass they spotted three team members wandering groggily through the woods behind the survival fortress.  A chopper was immediately dispatched and retrieved the operators in a few hours.  However, the other drone picked up more video of flashing titties.  The brown girl had also begun to shake her ass.  And then they went back inside.

The returning team members reported back exactly, to the letter, what had happened.  They also had a list of demands.

  1. Turn the TV back on.
  2. Stop trying to save us.
  3. How long before life is normal again?
  4. Give Jerry the Congressional Medal of Honor.
  5. Make Chili a US citizen and give her a million dollars.

When Obama saw this list he told everyone to deny he had ever seen it, and ordered the generals to deal with it.  The generals were not pleased.  They had already lost two teams and were nowhere closer to those titties than then had been at the start.  They needed a plan.  But, the Zombie stew, no matter how well cooked, backfired and that backfire started with the military who were the highest priority consumers during war.

These guys were working out magnificently for Katy and Chili.  It was a Patty Hearst situation indeed.  They went on dump truck runs with the girls and shot up Zombies and robbed whatever the Hell they wanted.  All this was caught on drone cam, but by then they didn’t care.  Zombie apocalypse was not going away.  It had only just begun.  No one knows how that happened.  It just did.  Some say it was the Zombie stew, others claim it was the Zombie water or the Zombie smoke.

Katy and Chili and the team held on long enough to spawn a generation, who in turn spawned generations, who in turn helped re-populate the Earth. After a while, the Zombies just started dropping like flies and for no apparent reason.  And that is what saved the human race.  A bunch of other stuff happened, too.