Letter To The Distillery

Dear Jack Daniels Whiskey Makers,

I am a fan of your product.  I just found out about it a couple months of go when I seen it at Meijers on the top shelf.  I bought a fifth of it and shared it with my son who is also a fan.  At first we mixed it with Coke in a tumbler with a handful of ice.  Now I just drink it straight from the bottle.  I really, really like it.

I drink the Frontier version because I don’t know why.  I even mix it in my syrup for pancakes in the morning.  I cook my bacon with it.  Yesterday I washed my dog with it, but then I thought this was a waste and stopped.  It took me an hour to squeeze all the whiskey out of that towel, and then it tasted a bit like dog.  I drunk it anyhow.  I just used more Coke.

So, I thought I would write you a letter.  In this letter I was going to tell you how much I loved your product.  I mean, I really, really like it.  I know it is actually Bourbon so I will quit calling it whiskey.  The difference I don’t know what is.  Anyway, I really, really like your product.

My favorite mixed drink, which is number one on your web site, is the Jack Daniels Neat.  I like it because it is easy to make and I have a shot glass made from a jelly jar.  This is how I usually take your product when I don’t drank it straight from the bottle.  I call that Bottle Neat.

I also like the cork.  Sometimes I get confused when I have been drinking too much and can’t remember which way to screw off that cap.  But with your product it don’t matter because there is no screwing with it.  You just jerk it off.  Anybody can do that.

Do you need people to endorse your product?  I will do this for you and you don’t got to pay me no money.  Just send some more.  I can tell people how it is good for every meal and how smooth it is.  Pour some in your coffee, or even your martini.  Either way, it is good.  I can do this for you any time you want me to.  I will even have my wife shave me first.  I did join your membership on your web site so that is how you can find me.

Do you give rebates?  I could drink more of your excellent product if you could give me rebates.  I like to take your product fishing but I lost my fishing pole last time out.  Sometimes I pass out at the fishing hole.  It is a good thing my wife has a good job cleaning rooms at the Motel Six and for welfare.  We either sleep there or in the car most nights since the government took our trailer away.  Your product makes me forget all my troubles.

So now it’s time to say goodbye to all our family. I forget the rest.  If I return my empty Jack Daniels bottles to the refinery can I get store credit at Meijer?  I am just a little drunk right this second, but I ain’t stupid.  Please send me your answer about endorsement as soon as possible or call me at my phone number.  I will represent your company with much aplomb.  I put two stamps on this envelop.  Do you at least have coupons?  I could not find any on your web site.

Your Biggest Customer,

Professor Chimp


P.S.  Don’t put that plastic stuff over the corks on your bottles because it is just too damn hard to get off and I cut myself with a steak knife yesterday.  I will send the hospital bill just in case.