Dr. Inventor

 

“We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.”

― Kurt Vonnegut

 

Somewhere in Detroit, in the lap of some junior editor sat a Smith and Wesson 38 caliber revolver, and a manuscript.  Donald J. Druck looked out into night and asked himself if being poor and working tortuous hours was really worth it.  Everything seemed to going backwards for him.  What a time for the Suicide Hot Line to be down!   And, then this landed in his lap. It was from Franco Rasputin.  Oh, I got to see what this asshole wrote, thought Donald glumly.  Scratching his forehead with the pistol, he started reading.

 

 

PROJECT:    THE DOCTOR INVENTOR INFOMERCIAL

SCHEDULE: WEDNESDAY 9:00 AM

PRODUCER:            DOCTOR INVENTOR, ESQUIRE

INSERTION ASSISTANT:      WITHERSPOON, CHARLENE J.

SCRIPTING: DOCTOR INVENTOR, ESQUIRE

GRIP: MYGAWDTA, YOGATO A.

SOUND:        RODIQUEZ, BAMBI LEE

VIDEO:           SEENER, IVORY P.

GRAPHICS:  BEEZER, JUDY Y.

UNDERASSISTANT WEST COAST PROMO MAN:     JAGGER, MIC

MUSIC:          GALORA, PRECIOUS C.

CONTINUITY:           AUTHOR, JORGE E.

DIRECTOR:  DOCTOR INVENTOR, ESQUIRE

TALENT:        SMUTHERS, WAYNE LYNN

LIGHTING:     STAR, TIFFANY O.

 

FINAL COPY! NO EXCEPTIONS AS IS DESCRIBED WITH THE BINDING CONTRACT WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT OF DOCTOR INVENTOR ESQUIRE AND OR HIS DESIGNEE.  YOUR SIGNATUE BELOW WILL VERIFY THAT YOU HAVE BEEN DULY ADVISED OF THIS CLAUSE.

 

X__________________________           DATE:_______________

 

 

 

 

DUMMY SCRIPT:

FOR TALENT AND CLIENT EXCLUSIVELY!  FOR SOUND ONLY!

 

INSERTION SCENE HERE OPERATIONAL

Talent:            Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen for what I assure you will be a most fascinating and profitable day for everyone!

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Talent:            Oh, thank you, you are too kind indeed.

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Talent:            Today we have with us a most special guest, already known to anyone not living under a rock, I might add, and one who has graced our studio many times.

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Talent:            The world renowned authority on literally any subject worth talking about, and winner of the prestigious Binghamton Award for fastest lap ever completed around Bear Lake in a non-jet propelled watercraft.

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Talent:            Author of numerous academic texts, chairman of the board for his own vast empire, father of seventeen and husband to five having been converted to Moronism, and last but last least, inventor of the world’s first software suite for Windows.  Please join me in a hearty welcome for my dear friend and trusted mentor, Dr. Inventor!

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Dr. Inventor:  You forgot to tell them how filthy rich I have become.  I have so much money I picked up the lunch tab with God the other day, and tipped the waitress a Lear Jet.

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Talent:            Once again you’ve educated me, Dr. Inventor.  How about another round of applause for the good Doctor everyone?

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Dr. Inventor:  You also forgot to tell the audience I am a self-educated man, and that my family manufactured land mines during the war of Viet Nam.  We dumped it for a veritable killing not but one month before peace broke out!

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Talent:            Oh, I am such a fool today, aren’t I?  But, it’s not every day one gets to bathe in the reflected glory of one Dr. Inventor, is it?

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Dr. Inventor:  Oh, don’t be so hard on him, Mr. Audience, any man looks a fool while standing alongside the greatest mind in the history of invention.

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Talent:            And yet, so humble!  Shall we begin, Dr. Inventor?

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Dr. Inventor:  Let’s do this thing.

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Talent:            Just take one look at this voluminous record of inventions by our good Doctor Inventor.

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Fart Proof Underwear

The Lie Retractor

The Hurricane Controller

The Amnesia Eraser

The Multi-Use Foot Pedal for Cars

The Scrolling Diaper

The Urine Evaporator

The Time Disposal Game

The Analog Computer

Eye Glass Wipers

Radar Activated Car Horns

Hats with Wigs

Inflatable Dog Collars

The Car Battery Night Stand

Liquid Rope

Reverse Night Vision Goggles

Solar Eclipse Counters

The Gasoline Temperature Gauge

The Solid Non-Frozen Water Compressor

The Diamond to Coal Solution

The Floatable Blimp

Reverse Osmosis Breathing Apparatus

Anti-Insurance

Hydraulic Body Compression

The Internet Corral Virus

Lake Vulva

The Zero Gravity Intrauterine Device

Bear Defibrillators

The Unquantified Theory of Inverse Mathematics Relative to Pi

Brain Smelting

Justin Bieber

Pyrex Pool Balls

Giganta Corn

Sleeping Boxes

Perfectly Square Toilets

Seven Fingered Kittens

The First Human Nail

The Porn Inhibitor Strain

Jujitsu Intersections

Car Jousting

Designer Urine Coloring

Lethal People Repellant

Stick On Wrist Watches

The Plutonium Atomic Particle Multiplier

Inflatable Horses

The Disneyland versus Aires to Michael Jackson Trial

Freeze Dried Popcorn

Contaminated Manure Conversion

Helium Ping Pong Balls

Heated Refrigerators Handles

Spoon Sharpeners

Electronic Forks

The Knife Shooting Machine Gun

The One Legged Turkey

Chimp Accentuation

Catdogs

Uphill Skiing

Dog Gliding

The Multi-Firing Crossbow

Acne Reflectors

The Isle of Smidgen

Absorbable Whiskey

Shark Scuba Suits

Penis Duplicators

&

Sub Cranial Synapse Selectors with Bluetooth Connectivity

QUIET MACHINE

Talent:            Quite a list if I do say so myself!

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Dr. Inventor:  Of course, that is not the whole list.

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Talent:            I’ve seen the list in its entirety, ladies and gentlemen, and let me tell you, it will keep you awake!

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Dr. Inventor:  For the first time in television history, tonight, we are going to let you, the audience, choose which products we will promote!  How about that?

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Audience 1:  I want to see that Penis Duplicator go through its paces!

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Audience 2:  I want to see that Inflatable Horse!

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Audience 3:  I want to see the Refrigerator Handle Heaters!

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Audience 4:  I want to see The Unquantified Theory of Inverse Mathematics Relative to Pi.

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Audience 5:  I want to see a brain smelted!

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Dr. Inventor:  And indeed you should, but first, since we are not actually prepared to respond to you impromptu requests, I bring you the prototype for my newest invention, the Fart Proof Underwear.

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Dr. Inventor:  And today only, if you purchase just a dozen pair of the FPU’s, we’ll throw in a free shipping statement and sturdy cardboard box, for $199.99 and $19.99 shipping and handling!  And, we let YOU, the customer, pay the sales tax!

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Audience 1:  Tell us how they work?

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Dr. Inventor:  Sir, do you experience the shame and humiliation of rogue flatulation at the most inconvenient times?

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Audience 1:  I did just now when you spoke at me!

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Dr. Inventor:  Is your skin sensitive to polyethelenecarcinogenicpropylene?

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Audience 1:  It wasn’t yesterday.

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Talent:            Just what is polyethelenecarcinogenicpropylene, Dr. Inventor.

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Dr. Inventor:  It is a completely and naturally occurring chemical reaction to my various potions and substances in a vial in my laboratory.  When dried, and heated to fifty-thousand degrees centigrade it can be combined with used car tires to form the anti-flatulence barrier in my FPU’s.  The best part is, one size fits all!

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Audience 1:  I want to buy a dozen right now!

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Audience 2:  Save some for me!

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Talent:            Dr. Inventor, you forgot to tell the audience what color those FPU’s come in.

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Dr. Inventor:  That’s right, I did!  Why else would I hire you!

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Dr. Inventor:  My hand-made in America Fart Proof Underwear, which I cannot say enough, is one size fits all, comes in any shade flesh you order that is in stock.  And, I will let you in on a little secret.  The ladies French cut is available for only $19.99 more!

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Talent:            He even thought of the lesser sex, everyone.  Don’t you just love him?

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Audience 1:  Do they come with directions?

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Dr. Inventor:  In sixteen different languages, they do!

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Audience 2:  Do they have a warranty?

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Dr. Inventor: You don’t need a warranty with my line of products, my slack-jawed friend.  I am your warranty!

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Talent:            We really should move on, Dr. Inventor.  There is so much more to shill. The audience is ripening.

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Dr. Inventor:  If ever I cared what people wanted, I’d invent the voice activated suicide machine with optional video camera and alert, and test it myself.

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Dr. Inventor:  So, it’s about time we wrapped our heads around Designer Urine Coloring!

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Audience 5:  Can you drink it?

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Dr. Inventor:  Of course you can!

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Dr. Inventor:  You can use it for anything, birthday cakes, moldy bread, upholstery, and it makes a first class lubricant for industrial agricultural equipment!

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Audience 3:  I’m a farmer, can I use that Designer Urine Color?

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Dr. Inventor:  Just send me a $19.99 per ounce with a minimum purchase of twenty or more ounces, and include $21.99 for shipping and handling, and I will personally be responsible for spending every penny!  Don’t forget to pay your taxes!

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Audience 5:  Does it stain the bowl?

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Dr. Inventor:  Of course it does, but what does it matter?  The operative word being, designer my darling little waif.  We can match it to your toilet for only an additional $59.99, and a sample of your porcelain, which you may ship to us at your leisure!

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Audience 1:  Is it FDA approved, and are there any side-effects?

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Dr. Inventor:  That’s all in the fine print in the directions.  We outsourced these to Poland and saved you, the customer one penny on the dollar!

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Audience 5:  How much does one of your typical sized adults have to use in order to be rewarded with a brilliant, violet stream that sparkles in the fluorescent lights?

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Dr. Inventor:  Just a drop, actually.  One ounce when you wake up and after breakfast, one more ounce before and after lunch, two ounces before dinner and an ounce just before you go to bed, and in just a couple of weeks you’ll be streaming rainbows.  Results may vary.  If you suffer heart, respiratory or ambulatory problems, consult your doctor immediately if you experience seizures, hair loss or rapid tooth decay.  Never take Designer Urine Coloring while operating heavy equipment or above sea level.

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Audience 2:  Do it come in yellow?

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Dr. Inventor:  I’ll answer all of your questions afterward in the lobby.

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Talent:            I can hardly believe it, but I feel like we are just getting going, Dr. Inventor.

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Dr. Inventor:  It seems like time is standing still, so we might as well bring out those Heated Refrigerator Handles!

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Talent:            Tell us a little about those handles, Dr. Inventor.

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Dr. Inventor:  We took the technology of hunting socks, and combined it with the ceramic fiber from heat shields on the Space Shuttle, inserted a little Thomas Edison, and wrapped all that up in a highly flammable polyester weave, and then embroidered it with my initials.  Code named, HRH, this product took the test markets by storm in India, France and New Zealand.  The production version will cost you only $99.99. Order today and qualify for a one percent discount on shipping for every dozen pair you order.

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Audience 4:  I gots to have them!

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Audience 3:  Do they come in yellow?

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Audience 1:  Are they safe for the children?

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Audience 2:  Does one size fit all?

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Audience 1:  How are they powered?

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Dr. Inventor:  Of course, the answer to all those questions is, yes!  They attach with Velcro and are powered by nine d-cell batteries we wouldn’t dare ship.  Now, don’t take this lightly because we submerged a test pair of those HRH’s in a tank of liquid nitrogen for precisely sixteen seconds before removing them and connecting the batteries.  Check our website for video of my HRH’s undergoing our torture test with any purchase of any product presented in this show today.  Never again be savagely attacked by the frigid claw of your most basic household appliance.  Folks, I don’t even care how many of these units I move.  The law talkers filed some form for EPA credits and I am actually being paid to sell these to you, the customer!

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Dr. Inventor:  The best part is, shipping is half off with the purchase of a dozen pair, if your order is placed by the time you make that phone call.  The number is scrolling along the bottom of your screen now. Folks, you’ll never be happier with another purchase as long as you live, unless it’s one of mine.  Get in now before we hit the European market and the price goes through the roof!

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Audience 4:  I just happened to have a written testimonial I can read, Dr. Inventory!

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Dr. Inventor:  Let her rip, Sonny.  I’m sure it’s on the up and up.  After all, I do NOT have a doctorate in Liarary!

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Dr. Inventor:  Go ahead, Son.   The camera loves you.

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Audience 4: Dear Dr. Inventory, yesterday my Heated Refrigerator Handles arrived, and I was happy.  They arrived just when you said they would, and it only took one of your courteous staff two months to reverse the triple charging of my cell phone credit card. It only took me two hours to install my brand new Heated Refrigerator Handles because the plumber was there and let me use his tools.  And now, my hands are always toasty when I reach in there for cold stuff and it cleans the sweat off my palms, too.  Really, it’s kind of like a palm sweat evaporator, all in one.  Thank you for paying for my transportation and the room at the Motel Six by the airport.

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Dr. Inventor:  Which brings us to my Surprise Invention of the night.  Ladies and Gentlemen, guys and gals, broads and dames allow me to introduce you to the latest cutting edge household technology exploding in the home: The Turbo Charged Sweat Absorbent Palm Revitalizer!

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Dr. Inventor:  These little babies attach with Velcro and are powered by nine d-cell batteries we wouldn’t dare ship.  We’re practically giving them away at $99.99!  The government will probably come around and arrest me for being crazy!

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Dr. Inventor:  And, just to show you I am not lying about being crazy so far, I am throwing in free shipping and cutting the handling part to $19.99!

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Audience 1:  You the man, Dr. Inventor!

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Audience 2:  Tell me it comes in yellow?

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Audience 5:  Tell ME, one size fits all!

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Audience 3:  Don’t do it, Dr. Inventory! You’ll go broke!

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Talent:            FOR SHIZZLE MY FIZZLE!

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Dr. Inventor:  It’s just not about the money any more, my friends.  I was going to save this for another time, another day, another hour, when maybe it would have been more spontaneous. But, since I have met all of you and knowing what I now know, I will make this spectacular announcement, here and this day!

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Dr. Inventor:  With tonight’s take I am vowing to deposit a portion to start the Dr. Inventor Philanthropic Temple.

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Dr. Inventor:  AND FOR JUST $199.99 YOU CAN JOIN ME IN BUILDING THE BIGGEST CHARITABLE SLUSH FUND SINCE THE GOP AT WATERGATE! JUST CALL THE 900 NUMBER CRAWLING ON YOUR SCREEN AND PICK UP THAT PHONE AND SHOW HOW MUCH YOU CARE ABOUT CHARITY!  I DON’T CARE IF IT TAKES ALL NIGHT MY CREW IS READY TO TAKE YOUR CALL AND MAKE YOU AWARE OF ALL OUR WEEKLY SPECIALS AND OVERRUNS.  AND, THE BEST THING OF ALL, IT IS TOTALLY TAX DEDUCTABLE! I HAVE A DREAM GOD DAMN IT!

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Dr. Inventor:  And people say I don’t have a heart!

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Talent:            Dr. Inventor, I’d like to be the first one to make a contribution to you charity.

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Dr. Inventor:  You can’t be that person Mr. Talent because the phones are ringing off the hook and we have already taken in enough to pay for this motel conference room and all the amenities with it.  How about THAT everyone!

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Dr. Inventor:  Quit clapping and reach for your phones, lads and lasses, we only have one presentation to go!

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Dr. Inventor:  Tell the audience all about it, Mr. Talent!

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Talent:            How about this, I am going to give out some hints and the first member of our vast studio audience to guess the correct product will receive half off any shipping of at least a dozen of one of the good Dr. Inventor’s fantastic deals!  How is that for subtly hefting a heaping helping of suspension?

BOO MACHINE

Audience 1:  Just give us the hints, Mr. Talent.

Talent:            One, one size fits all.  Two, it comes in yellow.  Three, they are safe for children.  And four, we have millions of them in stock.  Go!

Audience 1:  Fart Proof Underwear!

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Audience 2:  Handle heaters for a refrigerator!

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Audience 3:  Them sweat things absorbing your palms!

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Talent:            You are all wrong. Imagine that. It’s Inflatable Dog Collars.

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Dr. Inventor:  It’s just not any Inflatable Dog Collar, Mr. Talent!

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Dr. Inventor:  My Inflatable Dog Collar has a patented exploding seep valve and is rated at depths of up to 278 and one half feet—and let me tell you, it’s a cast iron bitch trying to float way down there with a drowning dog. With only monthly adjustments from our friendly French factory in Japan, you will enjoy minutes and minutes of canine peace of mind whether water is a threat to your cherished pet or not.  Fido is counting on you folks. He doesn’t have thumbs you must pick up that phone and call the 900 number bleeping below your screen.

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Audience 1:  My dog drown in the Hoover Dam not but a month ago.

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Dr. Inventor:  I blame myself, because I should have invented this at least the day before your traumatic experience.  How will you ever forgive me?

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Audience 1:  You had me at, hello.

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Audience 2:  We love you Dr. Inventor, even though you killed that dog.

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Audience 3:  Are you going to offer us half off handling for the Inflated Dog Collars, Dr. Inventory?

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Dr. Inventor:  I wasn’t going to, but now I think I have too.

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Audience 1:  You forgot to tell us how much of our money it would cost us for one of those Inflatable Dog Collars, Dr. Inventory.

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Dr. Inventor:  Tell you what.  Since you have been such a good crowd for me, and since I’m already up a million five, this is what I’m going to do. I am going to let one of you, the audience, set the price tonight for those fantastic Inflatable Dog Collars!

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Audience 1:  $99.99!

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Dr. Inventor:  How could I say no to the man wearing a confederate flag on his wife beater?  THE PRICE HAS BEEN SET, MORTIMER!

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THE FIN THE FIN THE FIN THE FIN THE FIN THE FIN

I want ten grand for this story.  Enclosed is a picture of me at the Monkey Park.  You can use it in the dust cover on the web page.  My address is on the envelop I sent with the stamp. Put the check in that.  Please make it out to CASH.  Please hope you like my story.  It’s my first.  I got your address from Writer’s Market Guide, 2003. Franco Rasputin, Esquire.

POST SCRIPT

 

The day I got that blood-stained envelop with the routine rejection notice for Dr. Inventor, was the same day I said fuck doing it the right way.  From that day forward I would be a guerilla writer in the cause of doing nothing at all the right way.  It was either that, or law school, and law school is just too much fucking work to do just to end up an asshole.

 

The Fin